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Omphaloskepsis Empty
PostSubject: Omphaloskepsis   Omphaloskepsis EmptyFri Nov 30, 2012 8:47 pm

Omphaloskepsis. Just a word, or just a way of life?

Think back for a moment. When was the last time you really contemplated your navel? Not just a passing thought, or a casual scratch to remove some wayward lint, but deep cogitation with the intention of finding more meaning in the world. It’s probably been a long time - and the signs of this neglect may already be starting to show. Take a moment to see if you identify with any of the warning signs:

In the morning, do you wake up feeling groggy and sluggish?

When driving and someone cuts you off or tailgates, do you feel irritable or angry?

After eating a large meal, do you use any excuse to avoid physical labor?

How did you rate? Only those who have chosen the path of Omphaloskepsis can honestly answer "no" to these questions. If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you need to take a moment to familiarize yourself with this pamphlet, and your navel. It will answer all of your questions, and may save your life - and your soul.

What is Omphaloskepsis?

In a nutshell, the act of contemplating one’s navel as a method of achieving higher meditation. But is that all there is to it? To really answer this question, one must take an imaginary journey back to the point of origin - birth.

In the womb, you were not only connected to your mother through this orifice, you were connected to the entire universe as well. You were one with everything, connected by your umbilical cord to the source of all peace and knowledge beyond imagination.

Through this cosmic portal, you received nutrients and oxygen, and among other things - your soul. After birth, this most precious of gifts is stolen away, as your direct connection with the universe is severed. From this point on, you must strive to regain this connection to the universe through meditation.

Is it any wonder that one’s navel should be the focus of that journey? I think not.

What is the Triumvirate?

Innies, outies, and none.

At birth, we are each given artificial titles - a name, a sex, a race. But we take more from the experience than most realize - and our navels are merely clues to who we really are. While our other titles can be changed through legal or surgical forms, we will always be innies or outies deep inside.

Innies are by far the most common, upwards of 90% of all babies born. Sadly, these souls have lost more of their umbilical cords than others, and must work even harder to regain the true connection with the universe they had before birth.

Outies, while less common, are no less important. For without outies, there would be no innies either. These souls are blessed with more umbilical cord than the rest, and don’t need to work as hard to restore their cosmic "oneness". But for this very reason, they are easily led astray and can become distracted from this goal.

But there is another - an evil other. One who lurks deep within our society today and threatens to lead us to temptation. One whose only thought is to impede our proper meditation - to prevent us from ever reaching our cosmic goal.

As horrific as it may sound, these creatures have no navel. Some followers of these deceitful creatures have even had their original, natural navels surgically removed to show their allegiance to these demons. Beware of their kind:

The Pillsbury Dough Boy

Barney and Friends

The Michelin Man

While many cartoon characters are depicted without navels, we feel that this is the result of the same kind of artistic license which allows them to have three fingers on a hand, or to withstand repeated bludgeoning without permanent damage. After all, Gumby and Pokey are just clay. But make no mistake here: the Pillsbury Dough Boy is evil incarnate.

What about my Platypus?

The dumb animals of the world born through means other than gestation do not have navels, and can indirectly be proved not to have souls either. Without souls they cannot truly be evil, and are no threat to innies or outies.

All of these animals can be safely eaten without the fear of "eating evil", a common misconception. However, association above and beyond the level of "pets" or "food" with these dumb creatures, is generally not recommended, and has been outlawed in some states. In any case, use the proper discretion.

Isn’t this something new?

Actually, worship of this "temple" has been going on since the beginning of time. Man and woman have long since recognized the importance of one’s navel, and paid tribute through adornment, scarification, tattooing, piercing, felt-tip pens, painting and other decorations, filling with lint, not removing lint which collects there, and frequent scratching.

While not all scholars are generally in agreement on whether the navel should be messed with, in general it shows that some thought is being given to the area, which can’t be all bad. It should be kept clean, like all temples, but lint removed can be replaced if desired.

The Manipura Chakra, shown on the cover of this pamphlet, represents the navel of the universe. Like a zodiac of the belly button, it represents the different signs under which innies and outies are born. It’s all pretty droll stuff, plus we lost the book which describes it all somewhere along the centuries. While scholars have some disagreement on the exact meaning of the different signs and symbols, we’re pretty sure it’s a navel.

Navel or Belly Button?

It really doesn’t matter what you call it, as long as you contemplate it. Have conversations with your belly button, asking it all the things for which you have no answer. You may not hear an answer at first, or get the response you were looking for, but rest assured it’s listening. Someday soon you may be pleasantly surprised to hear back.

Show it to friends, share it with loved ones. Fill it with scented oils to let it know it’s cared for. Massage it regularly, but try to avoid acupuncture.

What else should I know?

You should know that you’re not alone in your innie-ness or outie-ness. You should know that the person who gave you this pamphlet shares your hopes and fears about your navel, and can answer any questions about the cosmos which your own navel has not. You should not be afraid to share your navel with the world, symbolically reuniting yourself from the universe from which you were severed at an early age.

Are you sure you didn’t just make all this stuff up?

Trust us, and we’ll trust you. You may already have friends who belong to this fast growing, trendy, and socially acceptable alternative to a god-based religion. Try it, you’ll like it.

And if that doesn’t convince you, please contact one of our missionaries so he or she may firmly persuade you of the importance of navel worship in society today. We find navels splashed across billboards, walking down the street, and flaunted shamelessly in Victoria’s Secret catalog. Are you that comfortable with your navel?

Omphaloskepsis Pbucket

Hey! Wanna buy some incense?

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